How Self Compassion Supports Problem Solving
28 July 2022
Natasha Nicholas| Clinic Director, Three Points Clinic
4 min read
Self Compassion doesn’t solve problems…but it does make the process less painful.
You need to give yourself a break! That's right, compassion science research is showing us that self-compassion teaches us to radically accept that we can fall, we can make mistakes, can be imperfect and we can’t have all the answers -but still be worthy of love and respect. Self-compassion softens that toxic habit of self-criticism and instead allows for a space that is conducive to creative problem-solving.
It is a fact that self-compassion is not going to solve very tangible real-world problems. It is not going to turn back the clock so you take back the email you just fired off or that wise-ass remark that just slipped through your lips that you wish you could take back the mistake you made in that presentation or the packet of Tim Tams you just inhaled as you were ruminating on that presentation! However, research is telling us that practicing self-compassion can pave the way for creative solutions, clearer thinking, and bringing much-needed tenderness to painful and problematic circumstances.
Self-compassion may not be an innate quality within you, especially if you were raised in an environment where compassion was not served up on the table, but the latest research tells us that it is a trainable skill. We can train in components of compassion and cultivate compassionate habits, which in turn begin to influence our thinking and perspective.
Here is a simple 6 step Mindfulness approach to gently step into the process of cultivating some self-compassion:
1. Begin by acknowledging the pain/discomfort or the absence of self-compassion. Try to label the behaviour or the problem, the self-perceived failure or acknowledge the story your inner critic is telling you. Remember acknowledging is not validating the story around this discomfort – it is simply seeing that is there.
2. Take a moment to “tune in” and engage with what we call somatic therapy as “felt sense”. Scan the body and allow yourself to notice and feel sensations and tensions, feel where the body might be registering the discomfort.
3. Support yourself with compassionate physical contact. For example, often in this experiential people may feel a sensation across their chest. (Even if you are not feeling sensation, holding the heart can be an impactful place to begin)
4. Remind yourself that you are not the first person to make a mistake, trip up, or feel this way. What you are feeling is part of a shared human experience.
5. A meditation used in Compassion Training is the “Loving Kindness Meditation” (LVK) which begins to soften perspective towards yourself and others. As “corny” as it sounds, this has been proven to initiate a re-organization of thinking patterns and initiate positive regard for self and others. Try a modified version of this which is a simple “May I be happy, may I be loved”. In a relaxed and aware state, the mind is more receptive to new patterns of thought.
6. Receive yourself with compassion and self-love. Remind yourself of the dialectical reality that you can be perfectly imperfect. You can make mistakes but still be a loveable and worthy human. You can be an imperfect partner but still be worthy of a loving relationship and you can make mistakes in your job and still be a productive and valuable person in that role.
This is not about free passes and discounting accountability; this is about accepting that the best decision was not made but how can you do things better? What can you learn from this? What lesson can you take with you moving forward?
I recall watching a Brene Brown interview where she described her husband’s approach to what I will describe as ‘compassion'. Brown noted that her husband reminds himself that everyone is “just doing the best they can”. When Brown pressed for clarity on this concept by asking “but how do you know that they are doing the best they can?”, her husband noted that he didn’t – but looking at things that way made “him feel better”. Self-compassion offers a similar tonic, it doesn’t change the reality of what has happened, undo the mistake, or solve the problem. It does however make us feel a little less loathing and more open to learning new lessons.
Self-criticism and self-loathing are quite aggressive internal acts, promoting and supercharging feelings of shame or stress which can push us further into hyper or hypo arousal. Polyvagal Theory tells us that those states are protective states and resources are directed toward survival responses which mean that is not directed towards solving, creating, building, and engaging activities.
Self-compassion creates the space to reach out and ask for help and accept with kindness that sometimes we can’t solve everything alone, sometimes we need support and sometimes things are outside of our existing skill set – and that’s ok! It brings a new lens to how you look at yourself and how you show up in the world, self-compassion makes the world a little less black and white and importantly self-compassion is wonderfully contagious. When you embody and demonstrate self-compassion, to forgive yourself for a mistake or for not knowing and focus on doing better next time you teach others to do the same. In short, we are all perfectly imperfect humans, compassion, and the ability to practice self-compassion makes the world a better place.
References
Chistina Sell “A simple 6 Step Practice For Developing More Self Compassion” Yoga International (www.yogainternational/articles/view/a-simple-6-step-practice-for-developing-more-self-compassion.com) July 2022
Ortner, C.N.M., Kilner, S.J and Zelazo, P.D (2007) “Mindfulness meditation and reduced emotional interference on a cognitive task”. Motivation and Emotion 31, 4, 271-283
Seppälä, E. M., Simon-Thomas, E., Brown, S. L., Worline, M. C., Cameron, D. C., & Doty, J. R. (2017). The Oxford Handbook of Compassion Science (Oxford Library of Psychology) (1st ed.). Oxford University Press.